Major Paper 1 Rough Draft – Chelsea
July 22nd, 2011
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Chelsea Hewitt MP1 Rough Draft This one is in Docx format
Chelsea-Hewitt-MP1-Rough-Draft This one is in Doc format
Pretty good first draft, I like how your argument is consistent all the way through. I was expecting a bit more on mental labor since you start to compare mental and physical labor in the intro paragraph, but you don’t really mention it again until the conclusion.
I think you organized your points very clearly and it was easy to understand what you were arguing. However, you may want to break the middle up into smaller paragraphs because how I see it is: an intro, one big paragraph, and is your last paragraph a conclusion? Also, I got the feeling that your essay didn’t really end. I’m not sure if that was your conclusion, or if it was just unfinished because it seemed like you were just starting to make your second point.
This isn’t finished by any means. I just started writing and stopped once I reached 2 pages. I still have at least 3 more body paragraphs I plan on adding. There’s no conclusion at all but it will be added of course.
I agree with Vivian that the strength of your paper lies in the clear organization of your points. I like how you have a segmented thesis in the first paragraph. I know this is a first draft, but your points need to be developed more. It is clear what you are going to argue, but there isn’t much depth yet. That’s fine because it’s a rough draft though.